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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24546784">Yo Marry Me Knight</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/McBangle/pseuds/McBangle'>McBangle</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Check Please! (Webcomic)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Marriage Proposal, Meet the Family, Ransom and Holster Go Two Hundred Ten Percent, Wedding Planning</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 08:47:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,838</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24546784</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/McBangle/pseuds/McBangle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After an economics lesson from Holster, Lardo decides that she and Shitty could both save a lot of money by getting married. Ransom and Holster are all over the party planning, the Knight family has strong opinions about everything, and Shitty may need some reassurance.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Larissa "Lardo" Duan/Shitty Knight</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>49</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>178</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>OMGCP Reverse Bang 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. An Economical Proposal</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Written for OMGCP Reverse Bang 2020, and inspired by flybittybooty's <a href="https://flybittybooty.tumblr.com/post/620126547153666048/yo-marry-me-knight">amazing art</a>. Many thanks to Keladry for beta editing!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    
  </p>
</div><p>“Fuck.” Lardo tosses her phone on Shitty’s and her shared bed. She allows herself a moment of spiteful glee at the way it bounces across the mattress, barely stopping before the edge.</p>
<p>“What’s wrong, Lards?” Shitty looks up at her from his desk chair.</p>
<p>Lardo sighs, flopping face first onto the bed. “The free clinic just lost their doctor. I’m going to have to wait three months for an appointment to get my birth control implant replaced.” She grabs a pillow and punches it. “I knew I should have gotten an IUD while I had the chance.”</p>
<p>“So call around and see if another clinic can get you in faster,” Shitty offers as if it really were as simple as that. “My mom’s neighbor is a women’s health nurse practitioner; I’ll bet she could squeeze you in.”</p>
<p>Lardo raises an eyebrow at Shitty. “Does your mom’s neighbor take uninsured patients?”</p>
<p>Shitty has a pretty big mouth – both literally and figuratively – but Lardo doesn’t think she’s ever seen his jaw drop quite as much as it does at the moment.</p>
<p>“Wha – what? You don’t have health insurance? How? Why?”</p>
<p>Lardo rolls onto her back and stares at the ceiling. She does <em>not</em> need the judgment right now. “What did you expect? I don’t have a boss or a union.”</p>
<p>“But… MassHealth!” he protests.</p>
<p>Lardo sighs. “I let my enrollment lapse because I couldn’t afford the premiums and up until now I could get all I needed at the free clinic.” She holds the pillow to her face and stifles a scream before throwing it in Shitty’s general direction. “And now I need to wait until November for the next open enrollment period.”</p>
<p>She glares over at Shitty. “Close your mouth before you catch flies. Or cockroaches.”</p>
<p>Shitty obediently snaps his jaw shut.</p>
<p>“We can’t all be on the Harvard student health plan,” she snipes at Shitty. It’s not fair to attack him – she’s the one who lost her health insurance – but his privilege is a sore spot for him and she’s not feeling particularly generous today.</p>
<p>Shitty flinches. Bull’s eye.</p>
<p>“Um.” He rubs at the back of his neck. “I’m not... actually… on the Harvard student health plan.”</p>
<p>“The fuck?” Lardo sits bolt upright. “You don’t have health insurance either? What the fuck is wrong with you?” It’s actually kind of a relief to be able to direct her anger outward, not that she would admit it to Shitty.</p>
<p>“No, I… I have health insurance.” Shitty’s eyes dart all over the room at everything but Lardo.</p>
<p>There’s a long pause as Lardo tries to make sense of what he’s telling her.</p>
<p>Finally, he continues. “I’m kind of… still on my dad’s insurance plan. Until I turn twenty-six.”</p>
<p>The room goes silent for a moment.</p>
<p><em>“Holy shit,”</em> Lardo breathes out. She crosses her legs beneath her. “Isn’t your dad, like super-rich?”</p>
<p>Shitty flinches again. “Um, yeah, but he gets his health insurance from his job.”</p>
<p>Lardo thinks back to the times that she picked Shitty up from his father’s accounting firm, the summer that he had interned there. “Doesn’t your dad’s firm have, like, antique fainting couches in the waiting room and gold-plated everything?”</p>
<p>Shitty grimaces. “Ugh. Yeah. Don’t remind me.”</p>
<p>She skootches across the bed to hang her legs off the side. “So they must have the good health insurance. What’s your deductible?”</p>
<p>Shitty fidgets in his seat. “I’m not… totally sure what that means…”</p>
<p>Lardo hops off the bed and stares Shitty in the eyes. “Dude. You have a Cadillac health insurance plan.”</p>
<p>Shitty wrinkles his nose. “That’s kind of a dated term. I like to think of it as…” He coughs. “Good benefits?”</p>
<p>“Whatever.” Lardo waves a hand dismissively at him. “The important question is, how do I get in on this action?”</p>
<p>“Uh…” Shitty furrows his brow. “I guess you’d have to be a part of the family. But you’ve met my dad. Nothing’s worth that.”</p>
<p>Lardo thinks back to lunch with the Knights after Shitty’s graduation. His father had been dismissive of everything Shitty had done in his life other than get into Harvard Law. He’d essentially ignored Lardo once he’d figured out that she wasn’t from the “right” sort of family. And he’d passive-aggressively sniped at Shitty’s mom throughout the entire meal.</p>
<p>Lardo sighs. “I guess you’re right.”</p>
<p>Shitty places his hands on her shoulders and gently squeezes her traps, just the way that always helps ease her tension. “We’ll figure this out. I’ll talk with my mom’s neighbor. I’ll bet she would take you on as charity care.”</p>
<p>Lardo steps out of his reach. <em>“Charity care?”</em></p>
<p>“No!” Shitty’s eyebrows shoot up. “I just meant, like, maybe she could give you a sliding-scale-deferred-payment-installments kind of thing?”</p>
<p>Lardo rolls her eyes at him. Shitty puts his foot in his mouth way too often, but at least he’s trying. “You’re the worst,” she scolds fondly.</p>
<p>“But you love me anyway?” he asks hopefully.</p>
<p>“I guess,” she concedes, smirking at him.</p>
<hr/>
<p>Lardo spends most of the next day researching birth control options on her laptop at the kitchen table. An IUD or replacement implant could cost up to $1300. There was no way she could afford that. Maybe she and Shits could get by on just condoms for a couple of months until she can get into the free clinic.</p>
<p>“’Sup, Lards!” Ransom and Holster storm into the apartment, too loud by half as usual.</p>
<p>“That’s not a happy Lardo face,” Holster points out, grabbing an apple off the table.</p>
<p>“Ugh.” Lardo shakes her head. “This sucks.”</p>
<p>“What sucks?” Ransom sits in the chair to her right and ruffles her hair.</p>
<p>“Being the only member of this apartment who doesn’t have health insurance, to start.” Lardo knocks Ransom’s hand aside. “The free clinic lost their OB, and now I’ve got to wait three months for the next available appointment.”</p>
<p>“I told you not to let your coverage lapse,” Ransom nags her.</p>
<p>“Dude.” Lardo glares at him out of the corner of her eyes. “Not helping.” She sighs. “Like, you guys have insurance through your jobs, and did you know Shitty’s on his dad’s fancy-ass health insurance plan? And here I am with nothing.”</p>
<p>Ransom lays a hand on her right shoulder. “Do you want a job at McGillicuddy &amp; Sons?” he offers gently. “I could talk with my friends in Marketing.”</p>
<p>“No,” Lardo returns sharply. “I’m not ready to sell out.” She’s finally living her dream as a freelance artist; the last thing she wants now is to go corporate. Although it is nice to know her bro still has her back.</p>
<p>“Hmm.” Holster sits down in the chair to her left, apple still in his mouth. He pulls her laptop in front of him and starts furiously typing.</p>
<p>“Hey, what the hell?” Lardo protests.</p>
<p>Holster takes a big bite of the apple and then sets it down on a napkin between them. “I took Health Econ last year,” he explains around a mouthful of apple. “And if I remember the ACA and MassHealth correctly…” He clicks and types for several seconds more before looking up triumphantly. “Ah-ha! You could get on Shitty’s health insurance for a coupla years if his dad claims you as a dependent for tax purposes.”</p>
<p>Lardo furrows her brow. From what Shitty’s told her over the years, her dad is a selfish, greedy ass. She can’t imagine him doing her a favor. “Why would he do that?”</p>
<p>“Because rich people like tax deductions.” Holster shrugs.</p>
<p>That tracks.</p>
<p>“So how do I become his dependent?” Lardo presses.</p>
<p>Holster types some more. “There’s a lot of ways, but since you’re not a blood relative of his, the easiest would be if you were his daughter-in-law.” He looks at her significantly.</p>
<p>Oh.</p>
<p>“He would also have to give you a gift valued at over half of your annual gross income in order to reasonably claim that he’s financially supporting you, but considering how much that guy loves throwing his money around and how little you’ve made so far this year, that should be feasible,” Holster continues.</p>
<p>“Hey!” Lardo protests. After a moment of thought, she allows, “Actually, that’s fair.”</p>
<p>Holster goes into another frenzy of clicking and typing. Ransom raises an eyebrow at Lardo and shrugs, then reaches around her to grab Holster’s apple and take his own bite out of it.</p>
<p>“Does Shitty have any student loans?” Holster asks.</p>
<p>“Yeah, his parents made him take unsubsidized loans to cover housing and food expenses,” Lardo replies. “They said it ‘grows character.’”</p>
<p>Ransom snorts. “Chyeah. Nothing grows character like debt.”</p>
<p>“Their words, not mine.”</p>
<p>“I’ve got a massive pile of ‘character’ I may never dig out of,” Holster chimes in.</p>
<p>“My ‘character’ is…”</p>
<p>“Okay, we get it!” Lardo interrupts before they descend into a “character”-measuring contest. “What the hell does any of this have to do with health insurance?”</p>
<p>“Well, I took the liberty of logging into your student loan service provider’s website. You really should change your password, by the way.” Holster turns the laptop to face Lardo.</p>
<p>“Dude! Not cool.” She yanks the laptop back in front of her and logs out of her account. She’ll have to remember to change her password later.</p>
<p>“Aaaaand, you have an income-driven repayment plan,” Holster continues.</p>
<p>“So?”</p>
<p><em>“So,</em> IDR’s are calculated by household income,” Holster explains. “Shitty doesn’t have any income right now, so his student loans actually count as <em>negative</em> income. If you two get married and join your debts, then your household income will actually go down, which is a good thing.” He lifts up a finger to silence Lardo just before she could speak. “Because both of your monthly student loan payments will go down too.”</p>
<p>Lardo takes a few moments to process this.</p>
<p><em>“Dude,”</em> Ransom whispers next to her. It’s the sort of stage whisper that could probably easily be heard down the hall. “The way you put all of that together? That was an amazing sight to watch, bro. I am officially in awe of you.”</p>
<p>“Aw, thanks bro.” Holster gives Ransom a high five over Lardo’s head.</p>
<p>“Also, do you know what this means?” Ransom’s eyes light up with an unholy glee. “Duan-Knight wedding!”</p>
<p>“Dude!” Holster clasps his hands together. “It’s going to be ‘swawes. The two of us are going to throw the most amazing bachelor party for them.”</p>
<p>“Bachelorette party?” Ransom asks.</p>
<p>“Bachelor-slash-ette party?” Holster wonders.</p>
<p>“I think those might be called Jack-and-Jill parties,” Ransom offers.</p>
<p>“We’re not calling it that,” Lardo cuts them off.</p>
<p>“You’re getting maaaaaarried,” Ransom and Holster sing-song at her in unison.</p>
<p>“Fuck you both very much.” Lardo stands up from the kitchen table, flipping double birds at the two of them.</p>
<p>“Hey, where are you going?” Ransom asks.</p>
<p>“To get some art supplies.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>Shitty gets out of classes later than Lardo had expected. Her arms are starting to burn by the time he finally comes out of the building along with a cluster of his classmates, but she boosts the sign up a little higher at his approach.</p>
<p>Shitty doesn’t notice her at first. He’s talking with a classmate and checking something on his phone. She knows the exact moment that he notices her, though. He stops in his tracks and his eyes get almost as big as Bitty’s. A few students jostle him as they walk past, but he doesn’t move.</p>
<p>Lardo waits impatiently for a few more moments.</p>
<p>He doesn’t move from the spot, even as the rest of his class passes him by.</p>
<p>“Ugh, fine.” Lardo huffs out a sigh, shoves the poster under her shoulder and marches up to Shitty. “So?” She raises an eyebrow at him.</p>
<p>Shitty snaps his jaw shut and blinks once before turning his head to look all around them. “Uh… what’s going on?”</p>
<p>Lardo rolls her eyes. “You can read, can’t you?” She pulls the sign out from under her shoulder it holds it up so the top of it skims her nose. “You did get into Harvard Law.”</p>
<p>Shitty reads the sign over one more time, then looks back at her helplessly. “What?”</p>
<p>“’Yo. Marry. Me. Knight,’” Lardo gestures at the words on the sign, or at least in the general direction of where she assumes the words are.</p>
<p>“Wh… wh… why?”</p>
<p>“Wow, you really know how to make a girl feel special, don’t you?” Lardo tosses the sign aside and gestures to the ground. “Sit down, this may take a while.”</p>
<p>Shitty obediently sits cross-legged on the lawn as she settles across from him. He reaches out to drag the sign closer to him, looks at it again and then looks quizzically at her.</p>
<p>Lardo takes a deep breath before beginning. “Look, I know you said it’s not worth it, but I talked to Ransom and Holster today, and Holster taught me some, I don’t know, economics shit, I guess. And it turns out that if we get married then not only could I get on your dad’s health insurance for a few years, but both of our student loan payments would be cheaper.” She pokes with her toe at the parenthetical “(It’ll make my loans cheaper)” note at the bottom of the sign. “It’s kind of a win-win-win.”</p>
<p>“But what you’re proposing…” Shitty skims his hands over the grass. “Um, no pun intended. But it’s not like scamming my dad for a fancy lunch or a weekend at the Cape house. Marriage is… is…” He looks up at her. “I mean, have you even thought about this?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, bro.” Lardo shrugs. “I’ve been thinking about it for like the last hour.”</p>
<p>“Last <em>hour?”</em></p>
<p>Lardo clucks her tongue. “Don’t make a big deal out of this.”</p>
<p>“A <em>big deal?”</em> Shitty sputters.</p>
<p>Lardo stands up and brushes off her knees. “Look, you probably need to think about this some more. You don’t have to decide today.”</p>
<p>Shitty counts off on three fingers. He looks up at her. “You said win-win-win.”</p>
<p>“Huh?”</p>
<p>“Health insurance, cheaper loans,” Shitty ticks off two pictures. “What’s the other win?”</p>
<p>“Oh, that.” She bats her hand at the air. “You know.”</p>
<p>“What?” he presses.</p>
<p><em>“You</em> know.” She shrugs, kicking at a rock on the ground.</p>
<p>“No, I don’t know,” he insists. “You only said two things.”</p>
<p>“Ugggggggh, you’re going to make me say this out loud, aren’t you?” Lardo plops on the ground and hugs her knees to her chest. “I guess… if I had to pick someone to spend the rest of my life with…” she tugs at the grass near her right foot. “I guess I always figured it would be you,” she finishes in a quick mumble.</p>
<p>“Yeah?” Lardo can hear the grin in Shitty’s voice without even looking up.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” She smiles lopsidedly at him.</p>
<p>“Hey.” Shitty buries his fingers in the hair tucked behind her ears just as Lardo rocks forward onto her knees. Neither one of them can stop grinning, even as they’re kissing. Everything in Lardo tells her that proposing to Shitty was the right choice. It just feels natural. As natural as kissing him. As natural as everything about their relationship.</p>
<p>She slides her arms around his neck, running her fingers over the short hairs at the back of his head. Even though she chopped his hair over a year ago, it still feels surreal to have longer hair than Shitty has. She misses running her fingers through his flow. Every so often, he threatens his grandparents to grow his flow back out the minute he graduates from Harvard Law. She makes a mental note to egg him on to follow through with that threat come grad.</p>
<p>Shitty rocks back on his heels and clears his throat. “Um. I feel like I ought to go on record that marriage is an outdated cisheterosexist institution that upholds the gender binary and traditional gender roles and the modern American wedding is basically just a cash grab for the…”</p>
<p>“Okay, we get it, Mr. WGS double-major!” Lardo rolls her eyes. “Are you going to marry me or not?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, let’s do this.” Shitty leans in once more for another kiss.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Meet the Parents</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Here Comes the Bride” blares at them the minute they open the door to their apartment. A chorus of voices shout out “Congratulations!”</p><p>Lardo half expects a full blown kegster, but she’s greeted by something even better. Ransom and Holster are each holding up devices displaying their friends’ faces. Bitty and Jack smile at them from Holster’s cell phone, and Chowder, Dex and Nursey cheer rowdily on the laptop.</p><p>Holster grabs Lardo’s wrist and drags her into the living room. It’s been done up with gaudy white and silver streamers and way too much glitter. “Marry You” is pumping from the speakers.</p><p>Lardo spins slowly around, taking it all in. “How did you get this ready so quickly?”</p><p>Ransom scoffs. “How does Bitty bake pies in five minutes?”</p><p>Holster holds a hand to his chest in mock (or possibly real) offense. “Rans and I are party <em>artisans</em>. Would you ask a magician his secrets? Or a heart surgeon how to save a person’s life?”</p><p>Ransom turns to him, thoughtfully tapping a finger against his lips. “I mean, <em>I</em> might ask that, but…”</p><p>“The point is,” Bitty interrupts, “y’all’re getting married!”</p><p>“Yeah, we are!” Shitty whoops.</p><p>“Wait, but.” Lardo narrows her eyes. “You didn’t know whether he would say yes. This would have been hella awkward if he hadn’t.”</p><p>Jack chuckles.</p><p>“Oh <em>honey,”</em> Bitty smiles indulgently, “We’ve all met Shitty. That was never in question.”</p>
<hr/><p>Lardo smooths out a wrinkle in her skirt. And then another and another. She’s wearing the most conservative dress she has, the LBD she wore to her Junior art show.</p><p>It’s not good enough. A little too worn, out-of-season and too obviously off-the-rack. Shitty’s family will <em>hate</em> it.</p><p>“Nervous?” Shitty twines his fingers with hers.</p><p>“Yes,” she replies flatly. “But I’d feel less nervous if you had both hands on the wheel.”</p><p>“Your wish is my command.” He obediently releases her hand and puts his own at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel of his car.</p><p>After a moment, Lardo sighs. “Your family is going to hate me.”</p><p>“So what if they do?” Shitty shrugs. “Fuck ‘em.”</p><p>“No,” she corrects him. “I need your dad to like me enough to put me on his health insurance. He won’t do that if he thinks I’m a gold digger out to steal the family fortune.”</p><p>“Eh…” he rubs his right hand across the back of his neck.</p><p>“Hands on the wheel,” she insists.</p><p>“Right, right” he snaps his hand back onto the wheel. “Ah – you may have a point there. But we just have to show them that we’re marrying for love.”</p><p>“That’s what I’m worried about.” Lardo picks at the pilled fabric near the hem of her dress. “I’ll slip up and they’ll catch me in the lie.”</p><p>Shitty makes a strangled noise. Lardo glances over at him.</p><p>He clears his throat. “Right.” He puffs out his cheeks and then slowly blows out the air. “Well. In my experience, the most effective lies have a grain of truth to them. So just, uh, focus on the truth and less on the, uh, lie, I guess.”</p><p>“Yeah, okay.” She nods. “I’ll try that.”</p>
<hr/><p>Shitty’s dad and grandparents are pretty much exactly the way she remembered them. Stuffy. Pretentious. Obnoxious. Less-than-thrilled about welcoming her into the family. Unfortunately, his mom is at an out-of-state conference and can’t join them tonight, although she had called and enthusiastically congratulated them on their engagement. She had been the only tolerable member of Shitty’s family, other than Shitty himself, that Lardo had yet to meet.</p><p>“And where did you say you grew up?” Shitty’s grandfather asks over antipasti. Shitty’s dad, grandfather and grandmother all stare them down from the opposite side of the table like a team of interrogators.</p><p>“Dorchester.” Lardo pops an olive in her mouth and works out the pit.</p><p>“Hmm, yes, of course.” He takes a slow sip of his wine. “And how exactly did you meet Byron? I can’t exactly imagine you went to Phillips Andover.”</p><p>“Father,” Shitty’s dad intones warningly.</p><p>“Oh come now, Hugh.” Shitty’s grandfather shakes his head. “Isn’t it the done thing to ask young couples how they met? I’m only trying to get to know your new daughter-in-law-to-be.”</p><p>“You’ve already met Larissa, Grandfather.” Shitty speaks through gritted teeth. “She was at my graduation lunch, don’t you remember?”</p><p>“Oh, was she?” Shitty’s grandfather turns to give Lardo a once-over. After a moment, he shrugs. “I can’t say I recall having met her before. You had so many of those hockey friends. In truth I didn’t expect any of them to stick after you’d moved on to Harvard, other than that one nice Canadian friend of yours; what was his name again?”</p><p>A vein throbs at the side of Shitty’s forehead. Lardo’s pretty sure he’s either about to have a conniption or an aneurysm, or possibly both.</p><p>“I was the manager of the Samwell Men’s Hockey team,” she offers before Shitty can explode. “We met when I applied for the position.”</p><p>“Really?” Shitty’s grandmother dabs a napkin at a nonexistent spot at the corner of her mouth. “A petite young lady such as yourself affiliating with the hockey team? Weren’t you concerned about the propriety of the situation?”</p><p>Shitty chokes back a laugh.</p><p>“I <em>was</em> a bit worried at first,” Lardo acknowledges. “I’d heard some, um, rumors about them before I first met them.”</p><p>“I didn’t know you were worried.” Shitty turns to look at her.</p><p>“But Sh- Byron was a perfect gentleman from the moment he introduced himself,” Lardo continues.</p><p>Shitty’s dad snorts.</p><p>“He made it immediately clear that the Haus was a harassment-free zone and asked me to tell him if any of his teammates made me feel the slightest bit unsafe.”</p><p>“Hmph.” Shitty’s grandfather rolls his eyes. “‘Safe spaces.’ Your entire generation’s gone soft.”</p><p>“Um, that’s one way to think of it,” Lardo allows. “Personally, I think it’s smart for a –” she clears her throat “– petite young lady to be cautious among strange men. I don’t know if I would’ve taken the manager job if it hadn’t been for Sh- Byron. He made me feel welcome and like he had my back.” She noticed a wave of confusion pass over both of the grandparents’ faces. “Like I could trust him, and he’d stand up for me if I needed it,” she clarified.</p><p>“Ah.” Shitty’s grandmother nodded. “Yes, Byron has always been gentle with ladies.” She raised an eyebrow at Shitty’s father. “That’s your ex-wife’s influence. I suppose she did one thing right.”</p><p>Lardo glances over at Shitty. She half-expects him to launch into a lengthy defense of his mother’s parenting skills, but instead his attention is trained entirely on her.</p><p>“I didn’t know you felt that way when you first met us,” he murmurs.</p><p>“Well. Yeah.” She shrugs. Suddenly she feels like she’s used up her quota of words. “I mean. Turns out the guys were all cool, but. You know.”</p><p>A smile spreads across Shitty’s face, lighting it up from within. He laces his fingers with hers, and this time she doesn’t have any urge to tell him to keep his hands to his own side. “Whatever I did or said to convince you to give the SMH a shot, I’m damn glad I did. It would’ve sucked swamp nuts if I’d missed out on the chance to have you in my life.”</p><p>Shitty’s dad sighs. “Byron, language please.”</p><p>“Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits,” Shitty recites without even taking his eyes off Lardo.</p><p>“Hugh, honestly, this son of yours,” Shitty’s grandfather complains.</p><p>“At least he’s settling down,” Shitty’s grandmother sniffs. “Maybe the fiancée will tame him.”</p>
<hr/><p><em>“I don’t understand why you two don’t get married at City Hall,”</em> Lardo’s mom asks for what must be at least the tenth time in the last two weeks.</p><p>Lardo rolls her eyes, presses the Speaker button on her phone and holds it up toward Shitty. She’s sprawled across the couch, using his lap as a convenient pillow while he studies Title IX. “My mom wants another reminder of why we aren’t getting married at City Hall.”</p><p>“Because my dad’s frenemy just threw a big wedding for his daughter and now Dad needs to outdo him,” Shitty explains without looking up from his textbook. “And we’re financially dependent on him for another couple of years, so what he says goes.” He runs his fingers absentmindedly through Lardo’s hair. It is ‘swawesome. She could easily spend the rest of the day lying here, letting Shitty play with her hair.</p><p>Lardo’s mom switches from Vietnamese to English for Shitty’s benefit. “That’s a lot of work for health insurance. Why don’t you just get a real job instead?”</p><p>“Because we’re sticking it to The Man!” Shitty declares as he flips a page in his textbook.</p><p>“Nope.” Lardo shakes her head. “Don’t say that. It makes you sound like an aging hippie. Also, your dad is ‘The Man’ you’re sticking it to, so.”</p><p>Shitty nods his head. “Duly noted.”</p><p><em>“Get a real job,” </em>Lardo’s mom continues in Vietnamese. <em>“You’re too young to tie yourself to this boy for the rest of your life.”</em></p><p>Lardo turns off the speaker, holds the phone back to her ear and picks up her end of the conversation in Vietnamese as well. <em>“I have a real job. I’m an artist; that’s my job.”</em> She switches the subject before her mom can argue the validity of her career choices; they’ve had that conversation enough times to know it won’t go anywhere productive. <em>“And I wouldn’t marry anyone unless I wanted to.”</em></p><p><em>“Girls your age don’t need to depend on rich husbands. That’s not why I sent you to that expensive college,”</em> her mother continues.</p><p><em>“I know, Má,”</em> Lardo reassures her. <em>“If this was just about needing money, then I promise I’d…” </em>she sighs.<em> “I’d get a ‘real’ job. I actually want to marry him. </em>OK?”</p><p>There’s a moment of silence on the other end of the phone. <em>“You love this boy? With the snob family and the terrible name?”</em></p><p><em>“You can just call him </em>Byron, <em>Má, you don’t have to call him </em>Shitty,” Lardo reminds her.</p><p>Shitty glances down at her at the sound of both of his names. She waves him off and he looks back at his book, although she’s ninety-nine percent sure he’s still listening in for any other words he might recognize. Fortunately for her, he’s nearly as bad at other languages as Bitty is.</p><p><em>“You love this</em> Byron?” her mom presses.</p><p>Lardo can feel her cheeks burning, even though her mom isn’t there to see and Shitty can’t understand anything they’re saying other than his name. <em>“Yes, Má, I love him.”</em></p><p>Lardo’s mom sucks on her teeth for a moment. <em>“Marry your rich boy if he makes you happy. He’s going to be a lawyer, isn’t he? Maybe he’ll be the practical one in your marriage.”</em></p><p>Lardo barks out a laugh.</p><p>Shitty clears his throat after Lardo hangs up the phone. “Your mom hates me, huh?”</p><p>“What?” Lardo sits up on the couch next to him, pulling her feet up under her. “No way, dude. She’s just not crazy about this whole marrying-for-money thing.”</p><p>Shitty winces. “Ah, right. That.”</p><p>“But I set her straight, so we’re all good.”</p><p>Shitty makes a humming noise and flips distractedly through his textbook. After a moment, he snaps it shut and turns to face her. “So, you’re not in favor of my talking about sticking it to my dad.”</p><p>Lardo guffaws. “Um, no.”</p><p>“What are your opinions on the phrase ‘screwed the pooch’, and do they depend on whether you have a pet dog?”</p><p>Lardo grabs the nearest loose item – a throw pillow embroidered with a lemon and the word “Blerg” that Holster bought on Redbubble – and tosses it at his face.</p>
<hr/><p>The good thing about Shitty’s family insisting on paying for the wedding is that their budget is much higher than Shitty and Lardo could ever have afforded on their own.</p><p>The bad thing is that they insist on choosing everything to <em>their</em> specifications.</p><p>Which is why Lardo and her mom meet up with Shitty’s grandmother at a 1980s-looking bridal shop in the suburbs. The proprietor greets Mrs. Knight at the door and ushers Lardo back to a dressing room stuffed with satin and lace monstrosities.</p><p>Mrs. Knight clucks her tongue as she inspects the latest dress. She circles Lardo, shaking her head. She finally stops to inspect the droopy sweetheart neckline. “Not this one,” she pronounces. “It’s clearly made for a much bustier girl.”</p><p>“Yes, but with the right tailoring…” the shop owner grabs the excess fabric beneath Lardo’s armpits and yanks it backwards.</p><p>Mrs. Knight crosses her arms, steps backwards and assesses Lardo. After a moment, she shakes her head definitively. “No. It’s just not right.”</p><p>If Lardo believed in a god, she’d be thanking it right now. The dress is hideous, just like all of the dresses Shitty’s grandmother has made her try on. At least Mrs. Knight is picky. It won’t be long before she dismisses the entire inventory and then maybe they could go to a more modern dress shop.</p><p>The next dress is a heavy satin ballgown with a long sleeved, high necked lace overlay. She supposes it’s pretty, but it’s just not her style. She feels like she’s drowning in petticoats and itchy lace.</p><p>At least Mrs. Knight will hate it like all the others.</p><p>“That’s the one!” Shitty’s grandmother proclaims the moment Lardo steps in front of the mirror. She nods approvingly at the shop keeper. “Betty, you’ve found it. That’s the perfect dress for my grandson’s wedding.”</p><p>Lardo looks wide-eyed at her mother. <em>“Do I really have to agree to this?”</em> she asks in Vietnamese.</p><p><em>“I don’t think you have a choice.”</em> Lardo’s mom replies before switching to English for Mrs. Knight. “It’s a very pretty dress.”</p><p>“Of course it is,” Mrs. Knight sniffs. “I wouldn’t choose anything less.”</p><p>“It reminds me of Kate Middleton’s wedding gown,” Lardo offers.</p><p>“More like Grace Kelly, I’d say,” Mrs. Knight replies. “I don’t think we need to try any other dresses on, do we? Betty, bring us a cathedral veil with lace trim, and let’s see what tiaras you have in stock.”</p><p>“I don’t suppose the bride gets a say in her wedding dress?” a new voice rings out from the front of the shop.</p><p>Lardo spins around – as quickly as she can in 10 pounds of satin and lace – to greet Shitty’s mother. “Professor Norcross-Knight, you made it!” A wave of relief rushes over her.</p><p>“Just in time, it seems,” Shitty’s mother replies while removing her trench coat.</p><p>“Late as usual, Patricia,” Mrs. Knight bites out.</p><p>“I apologize, Doris. The faculty meeting ran long, and traffic on the Mass Pike was hellish. Now let’s see this dress you’re so determined to buy.” She circles once around Lardo and then steps in close, grabbing both of Lardo’s hands in her own. It’s a bit too intimate of an act for Lardo’s comfort, but better than being groped by the shop keeper. “What do <em>you</em> think of it, my dear?”</p><p>“It’s, um…” Lardo glances at her mother. Her mom shrugs. “It’s pretty.”</p><p>Professor Norcross-Knight arches an eyebrow at her. “And that’s a no.”</p><p>Mrs. Knight sputters. “That is absolutely <em>not</em> a no. She looks like a princess. What little girl doesn’t want to look like a princess on her wedding day?”</p><p>“Lots of little girls don’t want to look like princesses,” Shitty’s mom replies. “And the bride should be the one to decide how she wants to look and feel on her wedding day, not her grandmother-to-be.”</p><p>“She said it looks pretty!” Mrs. Knight screeches.</p><p>“That’s not the same as saying she likes it,” Professor Norcross-Knight retorts. “Look at the poor girl. She looks miserable.”</p><p>“She looks fine.” Mrs. Knight bats a hand at the air. “Betty, let’s see those veils.”</p><p>“Forget the veils,” Shitty’s mom commands. “I’m not going to let you steamroll Larissa the same way you took over my wedding.”</p><p>Shitty’s grandmother crosses her arms in front of her chest. “I believe you meant to say that I <em>generously paid for</em> your wedding, and I’m sure that Larissa is grateful for my financial assistance, even if you weren’t.” She turns an eagle eye toward Lardo.</p><p>“Oh!” Lardo jumps at the sudden attention. “Um. Yes. Thank you.”</p><p>“Well, then I have good news for you both.” Professor Norcross-Knight crosses over to stand by Lardo’s side. “The wedding dress is my treat. I’ll pay for it. My only criterion is that Larissa is one hundred percent satisfied with it.”</p><p>“Well, I never.” Mrs. Knight rolls her eyes.</p>
<hr/><p>The next weekend, Lardo, Bitty, Lardo’s mom and Professor Norcross-Knight (who insists that Lardo and Bitty call her Trish) descend on a bridal boutique on Newbury Street.</p><p>Lardo grabs a cream-colored jumpsuit with criss-cross straps off the rack and holds it up to her. “What do you think? Reception outfit?”</p><p>“If you don’t try that on, I’ll never bake for you again,” Bitty threatens.</p><p>“Lie.” Lardo smirks even as she hands the dress to the shop attendant.</p><p>“Maybe,” Bitty concedes, “but try it on anyway.”</p><p>The jumpsuit isn’t quite right, but it’s much closer to her style than anything in the first bridal shop. Lardo tries on a few other almost-right dresses before she finds the one.</p><p>Her mother and Bitty both burst into tears when she steps out of her dressing room in a sleeveless ivory tulle dress with a plunging neckline and embroidered flowers on the bodice. It’s boho, flowy, and surprisingly comfy, with just enough illusion netting on top to protect against nip slips. And it has pockets! She never understood TV brides’ obsession with pockets until she was the one with nowhere to put her phone.</p><p>“Is this the one?” Trish asks.</p><p>“It might be.” Lardo grins.</p><p>“It absolutely is the one, and if you don’t buy it I’ll never speak to you again!” Bitty cries.</p><p>“Stop making threats that everyone knows you won’t keep,” Lardo laughs.</p><p>She lowers her voice and leans in toward Trish. “Will the Knights hate me for showing this much cleavage?”</p><p>“Fuck ‘em,” Trish replies.</p><p>Lardo rolls her eyes. “You sound exactly like Sh- Byron. But I kind of need them not to hate me.”</p><p>Trish nods thoughtfully and assesses Lardo’s neckline. “It’s tasteful cleavage. They’ll live.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Celebrations</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>A few weeks before the wedding, Lardo finds an envelope stuck under their bedroom door. Shitty’s still sleeping like the dead, one arm sprawled across his eyes.</p>
<p>Lardo turns the envelope over in her hands. Shitty’s and her names are written on it in fancy calligraphy; someone went to a lot of effort for whatever this is. She rips it open and pulls out the card inside.</p>
<p>“Are they <em>fucking</em> kidding me?”</p>
<p>Shitty mumbles something about immigration law into his pillow, rolls over, and resumes snoring.</p>
<p>Lardo storms into the kitchen and shoves the card in Holster’s face. “No.”</p>
<p>The front of the card reads “Shitty and Lardo’s Jack &amp; Jill Bachelor/ette Party” and pictures a large cartoon moustache next to a red pair of lips. There are two tickets tucked inside, labeled “Price: Your Freedom”.</p>
<p>“You found it, sweet!” Ransom smiles up at her from the kitchen table. “Don’t lose that ticket or we might not let you in.”</p>
<p>“I told you we’re not calling it a Jack &amp; Jill party.” Lardo slaps the card down on the table.</p>
<p>Holster and Ransom share a wordless grin.</p>
<p>“Too late.” Holster shrugs. “We have committed to our theme.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>Their fifth roommate wisely gets the fuck out of town the night of the party. Lardo wishes she’d had the foresight to join her.</p>
<p>“Come out, come out!” Holster knocks on her bedroom door. “Everybody wants to see your get-ups!”</p>
<p>“I hate you so much!” Lardo yells at him through the door. But it’s too late; Shitty drags her out into the hall to their friends’ collective cheer.</p>
<p>Lardo’s eyes are assaulted by a cartoony poster of Jack and Jill on their hill that looks like it was stolen from a preschool. A sing-songy version of the nursery rhyme plays on repeat over the sound system; it’ll probably be stuck in her head for days. But that’s not the worst part. Not by far.</p>
<p>Their “generous” roommates have insisted on dressing them up as Jack and Jill: a green and white dirndl for Lardo and lederhosen for Shitty. Were Jack and Jill even German?</p>
<p>Bitty unsuccessfully tries to hide his grin behind his hand. “Well don’t you two just look precious.”</p>
<p>“Fuck every last one of you.” Lardo holds up two middle fingers and slowly rotates to point them at everyone in the room.</p>
<p>“I don’t know what you’re complaining about; I fucking love mine! I can really move in these things.” Shitty drops into a deep squat before popping back up to his feet. “I think I’m going to wear them to mock court paired with a tweed jacket. Maybe I’ll start a fashion trend.”</p>
<p>Jack takes a quick picture of Shitty and Lardo before leaning in to kiss each of them on their cheeks in turn. “Congratulations to you both.”</p>
<p>“Don’t even think about posting that to Insta,” Lardo warns.</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Jack replies, but the sparkle in his eyes betrays the lie. “Shits, you should start that trend. You look amazing.”</p>
<p>“I feel amazing!” Shitty shouts. “Look Jack, I’m Jack!”</p>
<p>“Wait, I thought <em>I</em> was Jack.” Jack furrows his brow in mock confusion.</p>
<p>Shitty slings an arm around Jack’s shoulder. “Oh no, Bitty, how will you ever tell us apart?”</p>
<p>“I think I’ll manage,” Bitty replies dryly.</p>
<p>“We can’t head out without these!” Ransom pushes his way to the front and then drapes two matching sashes across Lardo and Shitty. Hers reads “Bride” and his reads “Groom”.</p>
<p>Lardo sighs. “At least they don’t say ‘Jack’ and ‘Jill.’”</p>
<p>“We were gonna do that, but we didn’t want to confuse people with the ‘two Jacks’ thing.” Holster gestures back and forth between Shitty and Jack.</p>
<p>“And where are you taking us tonight?” Shitty rubs his hands together in excitement.</p>
<p>“Please say it’s somewhere no one will recognize us,” Lardo adds.</p>
<p>“Oh, nowhere big, just a pub crawl through Harvard Square,” Ransom replies breezily, leaning his elbow on Holster’s shoulder.</p>
<p>Holster smiles a shit-eating grin at her. “We asked Shitty’s classmates for the best and most popular pubs. Gotta show you guys off before your big day.”</p>
<p>“Yessss!” Shitty crows. “The Harvard lederhosen trend begins tonight!”</p>
<p>“You guys! I’m so excited for you!” Chowder pushes his way through the crowd to pull Shitty and Lardo in for an excessively tight group hug.</p>
<p>“Congrats.” Nursey nods at them over Chowder’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“Don’t forget your pail.” Dex smirks.</p>
<p>“My what now?” Lardo asks after Chowder releases his choke hold of a hug.</p>
<p>“How else are you supposed to fetch your pail of water?” Holster ceremoniously hands them a children’s plastic sand bucket.</p>
<p>“I don’t even think that’s the right kind of pail,” Lardo observes.</p>
<p>Ransom shrugs. “We had to cut corners on the budget somewhere.”</p>
<p>“You know people don’t do this, right?” Lardo looks from Ransom to Holster and back again. “Jack-and-Jill wedding showers aren’t usually about the nursery rhyme.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, but that’s why you love us,” Holster argues. “We always go one hundred and ten percent.”</p>
<p>Ransom holds his hand to his chest. “Holzy, I think we went <em>two</em> hundred ten percent tonight, and I couldn’t be prouder of us.”</p>
<p>“Jack, take <em>all</em> the pictures,” Holster orders. “Rans and I are going to need them for our memory book.”</p>
<hr/>
<p>Shitty and Lardo stumble home hours later; so late that Lardo’s buzz has almost entirely worn off. The sand pail has been long since abandoned in a corner of some bar.</p>
<p>Shitty looks at her, far too seriously for the middle of the night, as she closes their bedroom door behind them. “Lards… do you really want to do this?” he asks. “It’s not too late to change your mind.”</p>
<p>Lardo yawns. “You’re right. The bed’s too far. I’m not walking all the way over there. Throw me a pillow and I’ll sleep on the floor.”</p>
<p>“What?” Shitty blinks at her. “No. Dude. You’re not sleeping on the floor. Come here.” He wraps his arm around her waist and half-walks, half-carries her over to their bed.</p>
<p>She sighs with delight as she crawls under the covers, still dressed in the dirndl.</p>
<p>Shitty settles next to her, sitting on top of the comforter. He takes a deep breath and begins again. “Do you really want to marry into my family just for health insurance?”</p>
<p>“What?” Lardo blinks at him sleepily. Maybe the buzz hasn’t worn off as much as she thought, because he’s not making sense to her.</p>
<p>“My grandparents are controlling as fuck, and my dad isn’t much better. They drove my mom away and I’m afraid they’ll do the same to you.” He flops backwards onto his pillow. “I know how privileged I am to be able to say that the money isn’t worth it but seriously. The money isn’t worth it.”</p>
<p>Lardo rolls onto her side, propping her head up on her hand. “You think I’m marrying you for your family’s money?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” Shitty glances over at her. “I mean, aren’t you? To lower our loan payments and get you on my health insurance and everything. Isn’t that what you said?”</p>
<p>Lardo shakes her head. “Dude. Seriously? Those are the perks, not the main reason.”</p>
<p>Shitty furrows his brow. “But you said…”</p>
<p>Lardo thinks back to her hurried proposal. “Well… yeah. I might’ve sped up the timeline a bit but Shits. I would marry you whether your parents were rich or poor.”</p>
<p>Shitty rolls onto his side, his face lighting up. “Really?”</p>
<p>She punches his shoulder playfully. “Of course, dumbass. I guess I love you. But don’t spread that around.”</p>
<p>“I’ll keep it under wraps,” he quips.</p>
<p>“And if you need to cut ties with your family then go ahead,” she continues. “MassHealth open enrollment is in just another couple of months.”</p>
<p>“Uh.” Shitty plops his head back on his pillow and stares at the ceiling. “I kind of need them to keep paying my tuition for a little bit longer.”</p>
<p>“Gotcha.” She nods. “But your dad and your grandparents aren’t going to drive me away. I’m marrying you, not them. And you’re nothing like them.”</p>
<p>“Really?” Shitty looks hopefully at her.</p>
<p>She looks at him thoughtfully. “You really needed to hear that, didn’t you?”</p>
<p>“I mean…” He sighs. “I’m going to Harvard, I’m letting my grandmother plan our wedding… Aren’t I kind of turning into my dad?”</p>
<p>“Did your dad study Law and Social Change?” Lardo asks.</p>
<p>He shakes his head.</p>
<p>“Are you planning to take a job at a hedge fund after graduation and commit corporate fraud?”</p>
<p>“<em>Hell</em>, no, I want to undo every shitty thing he and my grandfather ever did!” Shitty declares.</p>
<p>“Then I don’t think you’re ever going to turn into your dad, but if you start to then I’ll keep you in line,” Lardo touches her forehead to his.</p>
<p>“Excellent.” Shitty leans in and gently kisses her.</p>
<p>Lardo runs her fingers along the back of his neck. “But if you’re looking for ways to rebel, maybe you could grow out your flow again? I miss it.”</p>
<p>“So do I,” Shitty sighs wistfully. “As soon as my grandfather makes the last payment on my tuition, I’m growing it back.”</p>
<p>“Sweet,” Lardo grins.</p>
<hr/>
<p>The wedding is a proper – and mind-numbingly long – church ceremony, followed by a staid reception at the Harvard Club. Mrs. Knight chose black, white and silver as the wedding colors (without any input from the resident artist) and insisted that all of the guests dress to the theme on penalty of… Lardo isn’t sure what, but it must have been bad because she doesn’t see one single pop of color all day.</p>
<p>Shitty and Lardo spend so much of the reception being dragged about and introduced to various Very Important Members of Society that they barely have time to eat the cake. Its four tiers are decorated with black fondant “ribbons”, elegant silver leaf filigree and candy pearls that practically chip a tooth when she bites one. Unsurprisingly, it looks better than it tastes: inside, it’s a plain vanilla sponge cake with bitter dark chocolate filling.</p>
<p>Shitty had insisted on an early afternoon wedding. Lardo doesn’t understand why until the last of the Knight family’s business associates and friends filter out at 7 PM.</p>
<p>“Well, Byron.” Shitty’s grandfather claps him on the shoulder while his grandmother “powders her nose”. “You’ve made a good choice for once. Try not to muck it up like your father did.”</p>
<p>Lardo stills Shitty with a hand on his arm. Shitty’s grandfather nods approvingly before taking his leave.</p>
<p>Jack and Bitty return from packing the wedding gifts in the limo just as Shitty’s grandparents are leaving. Their friends nod politely at the elder Knights before joining Shitty and Lardo.</p>
<p>“The limo’s all packed,” Bitty tells them. “Y’all ready for Reception 2.0?”</p>
<p>Shitty waggles his eyebrows excitedly.</p>
<p>Lardo looks around at the three of them. “Why do I get the feeling you all know something I don’t know?”</p>
<p>“This is my wedding present to you.” Jack pulls a key card out of his pants pocket.</p>
<p>Lardo raises an eyebrow.</p>
<p>“A weekend stay at the Four Seasons’ Royal Suite,” Jack finishes.</p>
<p>Lardo’s knees just about give out. She’s never dreamed of being able to stay somewhere as fancy as the Four Seasons, let alone in a luxury suite. It’s the most generous gift she’s ever been given by far.</p>
<p>Shitty whoops. “Jackabelle, have I told you lately how much I love you?” He grabs Jack by the ears and plants a sloppy kiss on his cheek.</p>
<p>“But there’s a catch,” Jack warns.</p>
<p>Bitty looks like he’s ready to burst. “All of our friends are waiting back at the suite to throw your <em>real</em> reception!”</p>
<p>Lardo turns to Shitty in wonderment. “You knew?”</p>
<p>Shitty rubs a hand along the back of his neck. “I didn’t know the deets, but I asked Jack and Bitty to throw us an afterparty that was more your style than…” He waves his hand around the ballroom. “…All of this.”</p>
<p>She grabs him by his lapels and pulls him in for a kiss. They’ve probably kissed a hundred times already that day, but this is the first spontaneous kiss of the day – not for ceremony or photos or toasts but just because she feels like it. She loves this brilliant, ridiculous, generous, profane, passionate asshole and she gets to keep on loving him for the rest of their lives.</p>
<p>“So?” Jack interrupts them a respectable amount of time later. “Are you ready to join the party?”</p>
<p>Lardo grins back at him. “Bring it on.”</p>
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